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KIP WELLS TOSSES HOLLYWOOD’s FIRST EVER NO-HITTER

For Immediate Release
June 9, 2004

Hollywood – It doesn’t come in a first-aid kit, but perhaps you should add it.
LSD.
Kip Wells admitted after the game that he took a page out of Dock Ellis’ book and was under the influence of LSD when he pitched his June 9th, 5-0, no hitter against Severn. Ellis, now coordinator of an anti-drug program in Los Angeles, said he didn’t know until six hours after the game that Kip had done so. Doc recalls, “Kip called me and said, ‘Dude…It worked!!’ I said, what are you talking about? He said, ‘The LSD.’ I just started laughing.”

Kip Wells
(6-1)  3.54

Kip admitted, “I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, my buddy looked at the paper and said, “Dude, you’re pitching today, you know that right?!” Kip responded, “Yeah, I spoke to Doc (Ellis) and he had pitched a no hitter on LSD, so I thought, why the hell not.” He added, “I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the Todd’s) Pratt) glove. I remember brushing a couple of batters back and walking a couple. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw Todd, and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”

“Sounds about as absurd as spraying Windex on anything that’s hurt, but hell, it worked”, said Pitching Coach Rick Sutcliffe.
”I was looking around for a way to get us pumped up,” said Wells. ”Doc provided this old remedy. It really helped out a lot.”
”We’re not hitting the ball right now,” Severn’s Manager Earl Weaver said. ”We work on our hitting all the time — that’s the most frustrating thing. We have a net inside our facility and we bat for a couple of hours on rainy days. It’s not like teams are scoring a lot of runs on us, but it doesn’t matter if you can’t score at all.”
“He was pretty dominating today,” Hollywood Manager Ferguson Jenkins said of Wells, who walked three. “He had his fastball and his changeup working well. As long as our bats keep going strong and our pitching holds up, we should be fine.”

As for the LSD remedy, “I don’t think we will be doing that again, said Jenkins. “Commissioner Corrado called to say that any further violations will result in League Suspensions and or a Banning. I guess this was a onetime thing…..”

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